Comedy Night

teleman77 · Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 1:38 am Post subject: Comedy Night

What the hell I thought to myself, It can't hurt besides..........Thursdays are slow and all you pickers think you're funnier than Jeff Foxworthy so, Here's your chance......................I'll get the ball rolling.

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap
table. A very attractive blonde woman from South
Alabama arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She
said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the
waist, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby,
Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice
came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the
dealers and then picked up her winnings
........ and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other
answered, "I don't know... I thought you were
watching."

Moral -
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb,
but all men..... are men.................Hell Yeah!
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teleman77 · Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 8:45 am Post subject:

Knock Knock.................is thing on? Lets see if you like this one............

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.

"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"
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teleman77 · Posted: Sun Oct 08, 2006 2:22 am Post subject:

Knock Knock.......................
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Guitarzan · Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 11:05 am Post subject:

O.K. I'll bite.... Who's there?

teleman77 · Posted: Wed Oct 11, 2006 8:03 am Post subject:

Damm, I got nuthin'!
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teleman77 · Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 4:27 am Post subject:

POLITE WAY TO PEE

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry,
but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your
good manners?"

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.
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teleman77

Harry, This one's for you.................

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Texas LongHorn fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Texas fans too. Not really knowing what a Texas fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is,however,one exception. A little girl named Janet has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Texas fan" she reports.

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud "Husker Fan" boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Janet why she is an Nebraska fan.

"Well, my Dad and Mom are Husker fans, so I'm a Husker fan too" she responds.

The teacher is angry now "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Janet smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Texas fan."

GO HUSKERS!!!!
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"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

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teleman77 · Posted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 3:51 am Post subject:

What Harry.............. You no likey?? Laughing

Try this one............

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."
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Strat Man dwight · Man with a bone Joined: 01 Nov 2004 Posts: 8708

That's a good one! Laughing

So was the little girl and the teacher joke. Just hilarious. Wink

teleman77 · Posted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 5:21 am Post subject:

Ha, I just gonna ask, "Hey, Is this thing on?". Laughing

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Guitarzan · Posted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 2:06 pm Post subject:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room discussing
different subjects to do with our estate, and, I said to her, "I never
want to live in a vegetative state, dependent upon some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, I want you to pull the
plug." She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

*Biznich*.....

teleman77 · Posted: Fri Oct 20, 2006 3:20 pm Post subject:

DON'T MESS WITH OLD MEN...........

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that
he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special
case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't
you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a
week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to
that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb A$$,
get in."
_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

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teleman77 · Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 6:09 am Post subject:

FBI Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the backround
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists.

Two men and a woman

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you
will follow your instrustions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.....Kill Her!! "

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never kill my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun
and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out
with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

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Wildcat Kelly · Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 11:21 am Post subject:

TBlewz · Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 8:41 pm Post subject:

Why are *An Oblique Spheroid of Processed Food Matter That Attracts Flies* tapered on one end?

So your *Brown One Eyed Monster* don't slam shut! Smile

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