Comedy Night

Captain Bb · Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 12:52 am Post subject:

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering
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For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
When they go, they take your house and car, and leave you in deep water.

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
Seemed way too qualified for the job .
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual
Experience in picking lemons? 'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've
Been divorced three times.'

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
Remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me
The exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation,
'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said . 'We may not have 45 minutes.'
They were seated immediately.

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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
Escorted her down the aisle . They reached the altar to the waiting groom;

the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage,

the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a
Wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

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A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me , exactly where is Larry's bar?'

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'
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Just your average run-of-the-mill Superhero 'n stuff

145guy · Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 6:54 pm Post subject:

Good stuff Cap.

Here's one I made up in highschool.

What's big and gray and breaks glass when it sings?

Elephantsgerald.
_________________
"I'm not ignorant, I just don't know stuff"

SAguitar · Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 6:53 am Post subject:

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, Arizona.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
_________________
...all the gray areas are becoming black holes...

Captain Bb · Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:14 am Post subject:

The Young Gunfighter

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer..

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See
that axle grease in the can over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your *Horse's Patoot*, and it won't hurt as much."
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Just your average run-of-the-mill Superhero 'n stuff

teleman77 · Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:19 am Post subject:

_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins

145guy · Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 1:36 pm Post subject:

Stan and Cap, those were dang good,,,,,,,,,,dang good! Laughing

_________________
"I'm not ignorant, I just don't know stuff"

teleman77 · Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 2:59 am Post subject:

How is a woman and a deck of cards similar?

You need a heart to love'em

You need a diamond to marry'em

You need a club to beat'em

and, You need a spade to bury'em

what can I say............it's early.
_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins

teleman77 · Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 8:09 am Post subject:

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY
IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" -
She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12 She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins

Captain Bb · Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 4:10 am Post subject:

Ed was in trouble - he forgot his Wife's Birthday.

She was really angry and told him,

"Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that
goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds - and it better be there!!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and
sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the
driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new Bathroom
Scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
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Just your average run-of-the-mill Superhero 'n stuff

145guy · Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 8:16 am Post subject:

Bada Bing!
_________________
"I'm not ignorant, I just don't know stuff"

teleman77 · Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 4:26 am Post subject:

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask.

He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you”...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, fell in his mangy Lazyboy, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins

145guy · Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 7:31 am Post subject:

_________________
"I'm not ignorant, I just don't know stuff"

Captain Bb · Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 3:23 am Post subject:

YOUR PARROT IS DEAD SENOR

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'*Holy Censor, Batman*! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . .. .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep *An Oblique Spheroid of Processed Food Matter That Attracts Flies*!!'
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Just your average run-of-the-mill Superhero 'n stuff

SAguitar · Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 10:17 am Post subject:

_________________
...all the gray areas are becoming black holes...

teleman77 · Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 5:13 am Post subject:

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me, it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, “I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.” And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car
_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins