Comedy Night

Captain Bb · Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 11:18 am Post subject:

The church minister asked if anyone in the
congregation would like to express praise for
answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the lectern. She said,
"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim,
had a terrible motor cycle accident and his scrotum
was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating
and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim
experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the
children, and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation. They were able to piece together the
crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire
around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery
performed on Jim.

She went on, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and
the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should
recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone
else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the lectern. He said,
"I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is
'sternum'!."
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Just your average run-of-the-mill Superhero 'n stuff

Captain Bb · Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 3:10 am Post subject:

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it in to the jar."OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:

First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
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Just your average run-of-the-mill Superhero 'n stuff

Captain Bb · Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 2:47 am Post subject:

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, 'You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
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Just your average run-of-the-mill Superhero 'n stuff

teleman77 · Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 4:34 am Post subject:

That was funny the first time I posted it.............and STILL is. Laughing

_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins

SAguitar · Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 6:29 am Post subject:

Yep! That's a good 'un!
_________________
...all the gray areas are becoming black holes...

Captain Bb · Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 7:58 am Post subject:

Apologies for the double post - but it's the ways that I tells 'em Wink

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Just your average run-of-the-mill Superhero 'n stuff

SAguitar · Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 8:30 am Post subject:

'zactly!
_________________
...all the gray areas are becoming black holes...

teleman77 · Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 3:34 am Post subject:

Yup.

_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins

Captain Bb · Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 1:41 am Post subject:

Baptising an Irishman
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a
preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me
brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks
the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'
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Just your average run-of-the-mill Superhero 'n stuff

teleman77 · Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 5:23 am Post subject:

IT'S JUST DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their
relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask.

He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you”...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night,
I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, fell in his mangy Lazyboy, grabbed the TV controller and a beer,
and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins

teleman77 · Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 4:09 am Post subject:

Hey.........tap, tap, tap..................Is this thing on??

Well, how do youse like dees apples............................

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon'

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?'

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied,
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to,' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.
_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins

gpower · Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 4:43 am Post subject:

_________________
Whether you think you can...or you can't...you're right!

Some mistakes are just too much fun to only make once!!!

145guy · Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 5:49 am Post subject:

Three guys go golfing. As they're waiting to tee off they see a guy waiting to go off by himself. The three ask him if he want's to join them and he says "sure!" They introduce themselves and the lone guy says "my name is Vinny". About the third hole one of the guys asks "so Vinny, what do you do for a living?" Vinny says "I'm a hit man" the other guys say "no way" so Vinny pulls a high powered rifle from his golf bag to prove it. Vinny hands the rifle to one of the guys and says "check out the scope on that baby." The guy starts scanning the local houses and sees his own. He sees his wife in the bedroom standing naked. As he scans the bedroom he sees his boss standing naked also. He staggers back a little and Vinny asks "what's wrong?" The guy tells Vinny what he saw and then asks "what do you charge for a hit?" Vinny says "normally $5,000 but for you I'll take 'em out for $2,000 each." The guy says "go for it Vinny, but I don't want you to kill them just mame them so they'll have to think about it forever, shoot my wife in the mouth to stop all her biznitchin' and shoot the guys pecker off. Vinny aims the gun at the house and after what seems to be an ample amount of time for Vinny to shoot the guy says "whats taking you so long?" Vinny says "if you'll shut up for a second I might be able to save you two grand"
_________________
"I'm not ignorant, I just don't know stuff"

gpower · Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 1:33 pm Post subject:

_________________
Whether you think you can...or you can't...you're right!

Some mistakes are just too much fun to only make once!!!

teleman77 · Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 4:21 am Post subject:

Save ya 2 Grand............... Laughing

Yer killin' me! Laughing

_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins