Comedy Night

Axemaster6 · Kitten Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 137 Location: Dallas Tx

Top ten reason why men prefer guns over women.

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.

8. If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

7. Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

5. A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.

4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

3. A gun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”

2. A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND, the number one reason a gun is favored over a women,

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.
_________________
It's only funny till someone
gets hurt, then its hilarious.

Axemaster6 · Kitten Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 137 Location: Dallas Tx

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
hap pened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted." Here are the scorecards from the

advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge #
2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the
hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took
me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge
# 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge
# 3 -- Keep this out of the reach o f children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3
-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or
other mild foods; not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt someth ing
scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded
beef, could use more tomato.. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight
pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to
stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing
uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade i n my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final
entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled
the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to re ally hot chili?
_________________
It's only funny till someone
gets hurt, then its hilarious.

Axemaster6 · Kitten Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 137 Location: Dallas Tx

Subject: Sex after 50 years!

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about
taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good
idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've
got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence !!"
_________________
It's only funny till someone
gets hurt, then its hilarious.

teleman77 · Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:05 pm Post subject:

Woman walks into an accountant's office in Texas and tells Him that She
needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you A few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security Number, etc. And then
asks, what is your occupation?"

I'm a *One Who Practices the World's Oldest Profession*," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, That
won't
work. Let's try to rephrase that." "The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
Chicken farmer".

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do With
being a
prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"OK, Chicken Farmer it is."
_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins

SAguitar · Posted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 7:16 am Post subject:

OK, then. It's Chicken Farmer.
_________________
...all the gray areas are becoming black holes...

teleman77 · Posted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 4:39 pm Post subject:

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007
>
>
> New Rule .1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
> There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you
> don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
>of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
>
> New Rule .2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
> unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
> finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
> dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
>
> New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
>hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
>description for these kids: lucky bastards.
>
> New Rule .4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
> cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
> idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
> New Rule 5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
>care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>
> New Rule .6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
> aisle of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without that watery
> taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
>flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That should be your
> flavored water.
>
> New Rule .7: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *Horse's Patoot* will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

>
> New Rule ..8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
>the &nb sp;*Brown One Eyed Monster*. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf
>grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *Brown One Eyed Monster*.

>
>New Rule 9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
>my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
>amount, deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing "Enter" again, the
> kid who is supposed to be ringi ng me up is standing there eating my
>Almond Joy.
>
>New Rule ..10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
>doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your *Horse's Patoot*.
>And It translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
>spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
>spiritual. You're just high.
>
>New Rule .11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
>deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
>because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
>exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
>doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>
>New Rule 12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
>M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
>New Rule .13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
>crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
>Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
>Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
>place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>
>New Rule .14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
>for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
>Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
>isn't gift giving, it's the Caucasian version of looting.
>
>New Rule ..15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
>attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
>mint, as if I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed
>to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on < BR>> ;your
>webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
>
>New Rule ..16: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
>know in months. "27 Months?" "He's two," will do just fine. He's not
>cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. I was attempting
>to be nice.
_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins

teleman77 · Posted: Mon Feb 12, 2007 5:23 am Post subject:

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies
are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So.... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want
peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries
to stop fighting with each other

and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony. "

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady,
Be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.............
I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another
wish and please be reasonable.

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well,
I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's
considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house
cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch
sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for.......a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that *Holy Censor, Batman* map
again."
_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins

SAguitar · Posted: Mon Feb 12, 2007 6:34 am Post subject:

... that there is a true story. Cool

_________________
...all the gray areas are becoming black holes...

teleman77 · Posted: Thu Feb 15, 2007 5:04 am Post subject:

Wal-Mart announced that, on January 1, 2007, it would begin offering
customers a new discount item - WAL-MART's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio
Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable
price, in the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of
Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market
for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of
marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville.

She said: "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most
attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with
either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins

SAguitar · Posted: Thu Feb 15, 2007 7:59 am Post subject:

Can ya get it in a box?

Laughing

_________________
...all the gray areas are becoming black holes...

teleman77 · Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 5:39 am Post subject:

My guess is thats ALL it comes in! Laughing

_________________

...........Ahh, that's better!

"Turn it up and you don't need any reverb".................Danny Gatton

www.myspace.com/reubenadkins

Dangerine49 · Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 8:03 am Post subject:

If you bring in a jerry can will they fill it up for you?
_________________
"But I don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat, "We're all mad here 'n stuff."

McGillman · Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 9:09 am Post subject:

Jerry, are you sure you want your can filled? You may have to go to Greenwich Village for that Embarassed

_________________
Welcome to the land of Dementia!

SAguitar · Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 10:36 am Post subject:

_________________
...all the gray areas are becoming black holes...

Dangerine49 · Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 12:06 pm Post subject:

_________________
"But I don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat, "We're all mad here 'n stuff."